Here’s a surprising thing. If you are getting divorced the courts don’t care about who was the better spouse and the reasons driving you to separate will be of no interest to them. That’s a nasty shock to many people who initially regard the legal process as a chance to seek revenge. You may think you are owed an apology for past behaviour but understand that you won’t get that in court. That is not their purpose.
Judges are taught to look forward when dealing with family law matters. Your lawyer will also have the same approach (well, they should do!)
Part of our job as your lawyer is to manage your expectations. Family law will very rarely deliver you a result where your ex is firmly put in their place. You will run up considerable legal fees if your lawyer, upon your instruction, sends volumes of correspondence to your ex (or their solicitor) detailing every failing of your ex. Such exchanges generally have the ‘boomerang’ effect, where your ex simply slings insults back, making you feel even worse and not resolving anything.
Lawyers are encouraged by the Court to veer away from such exchanges and are, instead, encouraged to focus on finding resolutions for their clients. So, if your lawyer, advises you that it is best to rise above the bad behaviour of your ex (and by this, I do not mean domestic abuse, which is, of course, unacceptable) then do not presume that your lawyer is not on your side. On the contrary, your lawyer is acting in your best interests, is working hard to keep your legal fees down (honestly!) and focusing on the main issues of your case and finding solutions for you as quickly as possible.
So, when your lawyer says that the Judge will not take into account the fact that your ex had an affair or that your ex is entitled to put their case, however, insulting it may be to you, remember they are acting in your best interests. The best revenge you can have against your ex is by getting on positively with your life and leaving the bitterness behind you. This is easier said than done, but if you recognise yourself as veering down the Divorce Fantasy road, stop, take a deep breath and change direction. By doing this you will take control of your divorce but most importantly, of yourself.
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